One word, three things
As most of you know, my word for the year 2020 is “accept”.
So, how’s that going?
Well, so far I’ve learned three things.
1. Accepting things you know will happen (like my mom’s death) may seem “easy” in advance (not really easy, but doable, because you already know it’s coming), but it’s still awful and hard to deal with when it really happens.
2. Acceptance goes beyond bare facts. Actually, I think my lesson for this year is to learn to accept my feelings about things. I thought acceptance would give me some enlightened, serene sense of peace, but sadness, hopelessness, anger, and guilt pierce right through the whole “I accept this” mantra.
I am still learning to not only accept that I wasn’t able to see my mother before she died, nor to attend her funeral, but also all the feelings that go with those facts. That part is a lot harder.
3. It’s also really hard to accept the unknown. These days, we have no idea what to expect for the future. There’s a lot going on here on the island and it may very well affect our safety here, so we could be forced to locate back to The Netherlands (that’s a worst-case scenario, but not unlikely). It could also very well blow over quickly.
And while we’re planning to (finally) visit our family in September, we may very well be in lockdown again by then. We were Covid-free, but we let tourists in... (had too, the island is broke).
We just don’t know what will happen. And I don’t do well with not knowing what to expect. Accepting that things are about to happen… as I said before, I can do that. Accepting that I’ll just have to live by the day and wait for whatever comes our way is a lot harder…but I’m trying.
linking up with Carole's Three on Thursday