Thursday, July 9, 2020

One word, three things

As most of you know, my word for the year 2020 is “accept”.

So, how’s that going?
Well, so far I’ve learned three things.

1. Accepting things you know will happen (like my mom’s death) may seem “easy” in advance (not really easy, but doable, because you already know it’s coming), but it’s still awful and hard to deal with when it really happens.

2. Acceptance goes beyond bare facts. Actually, I think my lesson for this year is to learn to accept my feelings about things. I thought acceptance would give me some enlightened, serene sense of peace, but sadness, hopelessness, anger, and guilt pierce right through the whole “I accept this” mantra.
I am still learning to not only accept that I wasn’t able to see my mother before she died, nor to attend her funeral, but also all the feelings that go with those facts. That part is a lot harder.

3. It’s also really hard to accept the unknown. These days, we have no idea what to expect for the future. There’s a lot going on here on the island and it may very well affect our safety here, so we could be forced to locate back to The Netherlands (that’s a worst-case scenario, but not unlikely). It could also very well blow over quickly.
And while we’re planning to (finally) visit our family in September, we may very well be in lockdown again by then. We were Covid-free, but we let tourists in... (had too, the island is broke).
We just don’t know what will happen. And I don’t do well with not knowing what to expect. Accepting that things are about to happen… as I said before, I can do that. Accepting that I’ll just have to live by the day and wait for whatever comes our way is a lot harder…but I’m trying.

linking up with Carole's Three on Thursday
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Wednesday, July 8, 2020

Just because

It's not the most practical gift and not very affordable either (since we're on a tropical island), but when my husband added these flowers to the shopping cart yesterday because he wanted me to have them, I didn't object. I'm going to enjoy them as long (or short) as they last.

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Monday, July 6, 2020

A nice weekend

We had one of those weekends that makes my husband say: "This is the reason we moved here!"

Friday: Happy Hour with friends at our favorite beach bar.

Also Friday: a beautiful full moon.

Saturday: 4th of July bbq on the beach with American friends.

Sunday: different beach bar, different friends, very good music.

And of course a beautiful sunset!
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Wednesday, July 1, 2020

Focusing on the good stuff

To ease myself back into blogging, I'm going to post daily(-ish) pictures of things that make me happy this month. I hope that will help me to find my voice back.
Each time I start writing a blog post it's full of negativity, sadness, depression, and anxiety. I don't want that. It's what I'm feeling and I do acknowledge and accept that, but putting it out in the world in every little detail is not helping. I don't need to dwell on it. I really need to focus on the good things, however small they are.

So here's my cayenne pepper. Each time I water my plants I feel a pang of joy seeing it grow and bear fruit. These peppers are almost ready for harvest and I'm looking forward to using them for some special recipes. And more peppers are on their way. I love those delicate white flowers.

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Sunday, May 31, 2020


My beautiful, loving, giving, caring, quirky, fierce mother died this morning after suffering from pancreatic cancer for over a year.
The last phase was short and mostly painless and we're grateful for that. She was ready to go and I'm happy that she was able to stay home, with my father, until the end.
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Monday, May 25, 2020

My week - habit style

Had a productive morning, called my parents after lunch. It went downhill from there. I have a hard time accepting things the way they are.

Wrote 5,000 words again. Thought about photography. Despite everything that's going on my creative side seems to be waking up.

Driving to town, thinking out loud, I felt I could handle it all. But I lost my train of thought in the shops and now I don't remember what made me feel that way.

I felt like it only gets worse every day. But then we went for a swim and all was well with the world - at least for a while.

Life going (more or less) back to normal feels surreal. Curfew was pushed back to midnight, so we stayed at the bar until after nine just because we could.

Woke up feeling hungover (only drank water last night), went to the beach, and did nothing all day. My mind is working hard to make sense of things and that takes a lot of energy.

I started the day right, but then I lost my energy and focus. The rest of the day was... well, there's always tomorrow.

inspired by Habit Blog
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Friday, May 22, 2020

A simple shawl

This is not my best knitting year. Every time I finish something I feel like "Wow, I actually finished something!" Oh well.
So here are some pictures of the simplest shawl I ever made. But that's okay. I may actually wear this one. Or not. I'm starting to believe that no matter how much I love how other people look wearing shawls, I don't feel right in them. I guess I'm more of a cardigan person. Luckily I have enough of that blue cotton yarn left to make a cardigan too...
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