Wednesday, July 1, 2020

Focusing on the good stuff

To ease myself back into blogging, I'm going to post daily(-ish) pictures of things that make me happy this month. I hope that will help me to find my voice back.
Each time I start writing a blog post it's full of negativity, sadness, depression, and anxiety. I don't want that. It's what I'm feeling and I do acknowledge and accept that, but putting it out in the world in every little detail is not helping. I don't need to dwell on it. I really need to focus on the good things, however small they are.

So here's my cayenne pepper. Each time I water my plants I feel a pang of joy seeing it grow and bear fruit. These peppers are almost ready for harvest and I'm looking forward to using them for some special recipes. And more peppers are on their way. I love those delicate white flowers.

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Sunday, May 31, 2020


My beautiful, loving, giving, caring, quirky, fierce mother died this morning after suffering from pancreatic cancer for over a year.
The last phase was short and mostly painless and we're grateful for that. She was ready to go and I'm happy that she was able to stay home, with my father, until the end.
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Monday, May 25, 2020

My week - habit style

Had a productive morning, called my parents after lunch. It went downhill from there. I have a hard time accepting things the way they are.

Wrote 5,000 words again. Thought about photography. Despite everything that's going on my creative side seems to be waking up.

Driving to town, thinking out loud, I felt I could handle it all. But I lost my train of thought in the shops and now I don't remember what made me feel that way.

I felt like it only gets worse every day. But then we went for a swim and all was well with the world - at least for a while.

Life going (more or less) back to normal feels surreal. Curfew was pushed back to midnight, so we stayed at the bar until after nine just because we could.

Woke up feeling hungover (only drank water last night), went to the beach, and did nothing all day. My mind is working hard to make sense of things and that takes a lot of energy.

I started the day right, but then I lost my energy and focus. The rest of the day was... well, there's always tomorrow.

inspired by Habit Blog
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Friday, May 22, 2020

A simple shawl

This is not my best knitting year. Every time I finish something I feel like "Wow, I actually finished something!" Oh well.
So here are some pictures of the simplest shawl I ever made. But that's okay. I may actually wear this one. Or not. I'm starting to believe that no matter how much I love how other people look wearing shawls, I don't feel right in them. I guess I'm more of a cardigan person. Luckily I have enough of that blue cotton yarn left to make a cardigan too...
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Wednesday, May 20, 2020

My week - habit style

When Elizabeth mentioned Habit was back, I was really excited. I used to love the pictures and words they posted back in the days and I always wished I could do something like that too, but I never really felt like I got it. But times have changed and I'm in a blogging rut anyway. So stirring up my love for photography and limiting myself to 36 words might just be right for me right now.
Here's last week (starting Tuesday).

I may not know (or use) all the fancy words, but I do know what really matters. I’m eager to learn more, but I need to trust my experience and intuition too.

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My body wanted a lot of salad, and I was happy to oblige. Gathered with friends (we’re allowed to do that again). Didn’t realize how much I missed these people until I saw them again.

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Had a painful night. After way too much stress-related grinding and clenching, my tooth didn’t agree with the carrots I snacked on last evening. Writing was rather productive until I started doubting myself again.

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Work went well (wrote 5,000 words), the rest of the day is a blur.

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On my birthday I allowed myself to do whatever I wanted, so I ate all the wrong things because that was the easy part. Not sure if that was the best way to go.

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Felt inspired to take self-portraits. Didn't recognize the woman in the picture. These past few months really show.

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Monday, May 11, 2020

This weekend

This weekend I…

:: realized that our we-were-supposed-to-be-in-the-Netherlands period ended this Friday. I can’t explain it, but I feel a lot better now. Like a fog has lifted. Easier to accept that we couldn’t be there, now that we would have been back here again, I guess.

:: went on a little road trip with T. on Friday. Lockdown had been lifted here, we are allowed to be out on the road each day again and shops and restaurants are open for business (under strict rules of hygiene and social distancing). We thought we were only going to see if our favorite restaurant was open for take-out (we were craving pizza or fries). It wasn’t, so T. proposed to drive all the way to Mambo Beach to see if the place we used to buy fries at was open. It was! And the beach bar next to it was open too, so we stayed for a drink.

:: worked in the garden on Saturday. I have a lot of plants in containers and I had seedlings that needed bigger containers. Have I told you how much I love working with plants and sticking my hands in the soil? Only about every time I mention the garden, I think?

:: went to the beach with T. We did have a beach date with a large group of friends, but they wanted to go to a paid beach, that warned that they would close if it got too busy. So our friends decided that, to make sure they got in, they would be there at eight. In the morning. Well, good for them, but that was not our idea of being free to go whenever we wanted again. So we worked in the garden (me) and on the computer (him) and then we went to a free, local beach. And that was great.

:: sent my mother some roses. She’s still hanging on and though she’s not feeling too well and very tired, she’s still determined to live what’s left of her life to the fullest, enjoying every minute that she can connect be out in the garden, smell the roses (literally – she loves flowers), and connect with all the lovely people visiting her and me calling her as often as I can.

:: received love from a distance from my girls on Sunday. Messages, phone calls, money wired to us to “do something fun” (I think I want to use that and my birthday budget to buy some citrus trees). I tried really hard not to think about how Mother’s Day used to be (busy with visits from the girls and to my mom) and soaked up what I got.

:: totally forgot to take pictures to go with this post, so I grabbed an old one.

Wishing you all a great week!

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Monday, April 27, 2020

I wanna go home

T.  woke up singing "I wanna go home" (from Sloop John B. by the Beach Boys). I didn't really know that song, but goodness, that jukebox in his mind is always spot on...

Today we were supposed to fly to The Netherlands to see our kids and our family. Our flight has been canceled for a while and I thought I'd processed it, but the closer we came to this date, the harder it got. And today it just sucks.

On top of that, my mom called Friday to tell us that she thinks it will be over soon. She can't eat anymore and the doctor told her to stop forcing it. She's also very, very tired and I think she's ready to go. She wants to see our girls and her sister one more time. That's all happening this week, and I think that will be it...

If the borders were open, the timing would be just right for us to arrive tomorrow. But they aren't. And there aren't any options. Even if we could get CuraƧao to let us go and The Netherlands to let us in, even if we'd ignore that we can't afford to stay in The Netherlands for months (we wouldn't be allowed to return) and what would happen to our house if we'd just let it sit, even if we don't take all those things into account, we'd have to stay quarantined for two weeks. And that would make it all rather pointless.

I won't even go into the fact that we're both having cold symptoms (so we're probably not even allowed to fly).

Anyway. I know I'm not the only one with problems like this and I know there are people with much worse problems (on this island alone 50.000 people are in poverty right now - that's one-third of the population). But I am having a hard time right now.

I know people worry when I don't post for a while (and I can't even begin to express how much I appreciate that!), so here's a head-up. I probably won't be posting often for some time. I've been blogging since 2001 and I know by now that I just can't keep blogging when life gets a bit too hard to handle. I'm going to try to post when I feel like it, but I won't force it since that usually ends with me quitting blogging altogether and I don't want that.

So... hope to see you soon! Wishing you all a much better week than I'm having ;-)
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